December 22, 2014

Quite a bit of change

Matt and I split in August.

We're doing things backwards and started counseling after the divorce was finalized in December. It was hard to read the script they gave me at court ... elements of marriage destroyed ... but what we had wasn't working for either of us and that particular marriage was kaput. If we can learn and grow and be happy and fulfilled together, I'm all for getting back together in the future. There's great good there, and love and affection and admiration and respect. You don't find that around every corner. If we get together again, it will be a fresh start and new marriage.

For now, however weird and backward it sounds, I think we're doing good on our own while still keeping a hand in. We may feel disappointment and some resentment, but that's mainly due to lack of communication and not telling each other what we need. Fuck that. What we want. That's a tough one for me, and I think for Matt too. Careful to not trample each other with naggings and you oughta, but realistically, partnerships need input from everyone involved.

There were times when I was disappointed or felt left on my own, and I'd think, Well, you don't NEED that. You can get along without it. But it's important to at least put it out there, ask for help, and keep an eye on each other if someone is going off the rails. Pull them back. I see that, and it's driving us apart. I don't like that and I don't want that.

Anyway, we'll see how things play out. Right now we're in our own corners, hopefully strengthening ourselves and remembering who we are and how we fit together. We have breakfast or dinner together every so often, bowl on the same team, are cooperative with finances, and I've had a dream or three that made the top of my head smolder in a good way. All that points to the good, if we can get past ourselves and grow up and work as a team.